A Letter to myself and all that wants to know me:
I am but a happy introvert, that gets caught up in my own words that concern my heart, that become open windows to lost understandings. That has help influence the voices in my head. I become lost, because I seek the answers to that, that has no questions. But the ones that turn in my mind. I know, I must learn to get out of my own head. I hear my heartbeat in my ears, anxiety makes it beat like drums. My head hurts.. No, it’s my heart, stained by memories of pain I can’t forget, and the tears that won’t stop flowing. I can’t stop the painful memories of not being able to hold my child. To hear her laughter, or just the subtle way she laid her head on my shoulder. No troubles with me she would share, but just the comfort of knowing I was there, was more than enough. I don’t think it’s fair to see so many sunrises without those that made me who I am today. You were taken from me too soon, but even though the sun will rise and set, it has its own wavering way of telling me the world will go on without me, and my thoughts of burdens from the heart. Yet on the inside, the rain will not stop falling, I cannot wish you here, nor can I wish to take your place. So, I stand at my window soaked, crying from within. Feeling everything I touch seems to wither away, on the inside it’s dark and cold. I call it my internal damn nation of anxiety drowning me in this darkness of sorrow. No matter where I go, I know you’re all with me, because that’s what spirit guides do.
When you were born, I saw in your eyes your need of me. Three times I fell in love, and twice plus three have my darkness turned to hunt me. Once in my mother, who carried my date of birth. Another do I share with you and your sister, whom I watch from a far, praying I would see her when she comes around, and she would be okay. My brother, Great Grandmother, and Grandmother to add to this darkness a grave that I have place around me. A promise, I made that I would allow the soldier in me to find that strength that I know I possess. I know I cannot will you back to me, but I cannot let go of the time and hour we shared. Your smile will I carry until my last breath. I love you so much, through you I promise I will make every sunrise count, and I will carry your smile like a soldier carry his/her flag. There is so much honor, and pride at the core of my very existence, it’s a war cry that always remind me it’s there. I love my daughters so much that, that is all I see everyday, those new born eyes of need staring at me like I have all the answers. I don’t, but I have those memories locked away in my psyche for the rest of my being.
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